SELF LOVE CLUB... DARE YOU?

SELF LOVE CLUB

Welcome to the hardest club to get into.   The most Elite club.  It probably isn’t free to join, and usually we discover it through some kind of difficult and or life changing circumstance.  Maybe even a spiritual epiphany.    It takes effort and constant attention.   You will probably have someone around you jealous that they have not accepted the invitation, or that you have replaced some of the attention they used to get with the club. It doesn’t HEY GIRL your DM’s or slip you a business card on the street.  You might not have the benefit of others in the club by your side to coach you.  Sounds great right?  Sounds like it’s worth the time and devotion right?   

WELL, it is.  Let me explain.   Stick with me for this one.  What is self love?  #SELFLOVE is one of the most important- if not THE most important things you can give yourself.  It is not a state of feeling good about yourself, it is an ACT.  Appreciating yourself AND taking care of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. Self-love is a constant, ever evolving process and it grows through ACTIONS.   When we act in ways that consciously grow self-love, we can start to accept our weaknesses and learn to appreciate our strengths. With that comes a life changing gift to yourself.  Learning you do not have to explain yourself and what you may perceive as an imperfection, gaining a deeper compassion for yourself as a human who is constantly evolving, learning, working on finding their truth, their meaning, and their place in the world is so freeing.  We can really focus on being intentional and living our best life.   When we do this- when we give ourselves permission to do this- we put our physical, emotional, mental health and wellbeing first.  We care more about us and in turn we are better to and for the people around us.  We are more productive and motivated.   

So how do we go about this?   The first thing you need to realize is that sometimes people equate self love with being selfish.   It is the opposite.  So it’s time to start rewriting that narrative.  Next time you start to feel like it is selfish to put yourself first, to care for your needs, say, “It is okay to put myself first.” And keep saying it.   EVERY SINGLE TIME.  We have to recognize that guilt we are feeling- making decisions out of the need to please or to avoid conflict with others- is disrespectful to yourself.   Part of being able to accept SELF LOVE and grow is to respect ourselves.   

Here are some tricks to this process and yes, it’s a process. 

1.  Be Mindful and Intentional.   Be intentional with what you give your time, energy and love to.  When you live this way you are far more present with all that is going on in your life.  You make decisions that are more meaningful and healthy for yourself.  In turn, no matter what you are facing, you make decisions that support your intention, and you are successful in accomplishing it.    Every time you have the ability to do this, you make it easier the next time.   Mindfulness does take practice and if you are someone who is easily overwhelmed or someone who is anxious then remember that pausing and breathing intentionally is a great trick to staying in the moment.   Remind yourself where you are and what you’re doing.
2. Be Authentic/Be REAL.  Starting from a relatively young age messages of who you SHOULD be, what you SHOULD look like, who you should love and what you should believe come at you hard.   For each of us those messages are a little different depending on where you live, your race, gender, religion, family make up, who is around you, what you are exposed to, trauma, travel, environment, etc.  You get the picture.   Whoever or whatever is present in your life is who or what influences you.  That authority tells us we must do this or that in order to be successful, be loved, be worthy, be attractive, be good or accepted by God and by people.  How do we ever REALLY get to be us????  Or to gain the ability to love us without all of these standards we are supposed to be following so that others will love us?  I think deep down if we are lucky enough to exit the echo chamber or our life circumstances provide us with opportunities to experience various emotions and feelings, we begin to see how we react to life.   Do you like how those around you are treating others?  Or how they are treating you?   Inside does that small voice tell you that you feel differently?  Start to write it down… in a journal, a note pad, your phone, computer, napkins- whatever modality you choose.  Visualize who you want to be, what you want to be, how different situations make you feel.  What do you value.   What is okay?   Try new things.   Learn about other cultures or religions.   Learn about other genders.    You know being YOU is an ever evolving process.  The you that you are today won’t be the YOU that you are in a year.   Each life circumstance changes us.   Growing and evolving, learning, knowing better and doing better changes us.   BUT being honest with ourselves and LOVING ourselves allows us to be who we are.   Stop living to please others. BE YOU.  
3. Protect Yourself / Set Boundaries.  One of the greatest acts of self love is to be able to recognize what makes you feel safe.  What protects you.  What you allow others to engage in with you.   These can be any kind of boundaries.  Physical, emotional, mental, social, sexual.    Who you give your time to and what you give your time to will obviously directly impact how we feel about ourselves.   Do not make time for things and people who bring you down or who do not really love and support you.   One line I heard growing up often was “love the sinner, hate the sin.”  It meant that that particular person or group “loved” you but not your choices, life, who you really are etc.   That is not love.  Let me say it again for the folks who still use this awful and actually hateful line…. THAT IS NOT LOVE.  It has been studied and proven that it is easier to justify our prejudices and the inequalities in society than to question or admit we have been harmful and hurtful to others. Many won't take the time to deconstruct what has been taught because it’s HARD work and often time means we have work to do on ourselves. Truly growing and dealing with prejudice is not to just start using nicer language to hide it, it’s to admit it is there, to educate yourself and to CHANGE.  Protect yourself from those who are not doing that work.  Educate if that is something that is not harmful to you but it is not your job.  Boundaries are actually very freeing.   Learning to say no to friends, work, activities, family, or anything that drains you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually is very freeing.  AND it is a WONDERFUL act of self love.  
4. Self Care.  Taking care of yourself and meeting your basic needs is a necessity.  It is so important to nourish yourself daily through things like nutrition, exercise, sleep, intimacy, and rest from the noise.  Remember that justifying self-care really just keeps the cycle going that self-care needs justification. Stop.  Work on that positive self-talk, give up the control of the things that really are not important to you, find compassion for yourself.  Self Compassion IS Self Care and is Self Love.   AND that brings us right into… 
5. Forgive Yourself.  We can be SO hard on ourselves.  Harder than anyone.  Our worst critic.  We often punish ourselves for mistakes we have made while learning and growing. We are not perfect.  Learn from the lessons.   I tell my children that we can overcome anything as long as we are still breathing.  Accept that you are generally doing the best you can given whatever situation you are currently in.  We are responsible for our lives.  Sometimes we cannot control a situation.  We are, however, responsible for our reactions to that situation.  Have compassion for yourself in those tough times.  Of course it is easy now to look back and think of all the ways you should have reacted differently or what you would have done.  It is easy to see things differently now… you come from a new place of knowledge and understanding.  It is unfair and yet we do it all the time. Know better, do better.  Self compassion and forgiveness can really change your life.  It is much easier said than done- believe me… I am still working on it.  BUT forgiving yourself does NOT mean you HAVE to forgive others.   Example: It is okay as a survivor of anything to give yourself permission to not forgive and that may empower you.  Do not let someone else’s beliefs shame you into thinking you need to forgive that.  

Have I convinced you to join the Self Love Club?  None of the things above are easy but they can become easier the more we put them into action.  Sometimes we are just waiting for a sign that it is okay, or permission to do this.   Well if that is what you have been waiting for here it is.  I give you permission to join.  This is your sign.  Shed those layers of identification based on who we are expected to be and the thoughts in the back of your mind that are not healthy and that will be the greatest self love story that is ever written.